COACHELLA...THAT'S RIGHT...FUCKING COACHELLA

Half of Los Angeles and most of the left coast BLOG/Print/Music media world are heading out to the desert to spend 2 days and nights on the polo fields chasing after drunken indie rockers and doing that nasty thing called "Networking." I have decided to for-go Saturday's lineup and spend my day by a piano-shaped pool broadcasting for LittleRadio. Sunday though... IT'S SO FUCKING ON. My past Coachella experiences have been somewhat nightmarish. 3 years ago I got left in the desert by accident (I wish I was making that up). Last year I got heat stroke because I forgot sunblock and spent 2 days hiding in a long sleeve black hoodie. Everything about Coachella irritates me. The parking, the blazing sun, the $4 water, the germ-factory tents, cannabis toting hippies, goth kids dressed in black trench coats in 102 degree weather, watching the main stage from a 1/4 mile away. But at the end of the weekend I always walk away with a few good experiences and a renewed love of music. I guess that makes it worth it. Below is my Idiot's Guide To Coachella, followed by my Don't Be A FUCKING Idiot Guide To Coachella. THE ROCK INSIDER'S IDIOT GUIDE TO COACHELLA Sign up for text updates abt Coachella figure out your Coachella Day Schedule. DONT POINT OUT MY TYPOS UNLESS YOU WANT ME TO LAY SOME STANK ALL UP IN YOUR GRILL. Guess what: COACHELLA IS IN THE FUCKING DESERT. Bring Sunblock (at least SPF 15) unless you want to fry like a christmas turkey. I would also recommend sunglasses, a hat, comfortable tennis shoes, layered clothing, ear plugs and pain killers. There is little shade on the polo field and vendors fucking gouge prices left and right. Cell phone reception is almost non-existent at Coachella. I spent most of last year trying to coordinate with friends via cell phone with to no avail. Plan meeting spots and times if your traveling with a group. Make sure to have a specific meeting spot and time at the end of the day so no one gets left behind. Water is expensive. Food Is Expensive. ATM fees are fucking expensive (2.50 cents last year) Bring Cash. Parking is Free and Opens at 9 AM. Gates at 11 AM. Get there early and expect to spend abt an hour idling along Jefferson St or Monroe. There are some back ways into the polo fields from the indian hills resorts and further west at fantasy island. Note: by 2 PM Jefferson is a parking lot. Try your best to take any road but that. Once you get in the Coachella lot try and park as far away from the gates as possible near the exits. Yes, you'll have to walk really damn far but at the end of the night it should only take you 10 minutes to get out of the parking lot, saving you abt 2 hrs. WHAT YOU CAN BRING: mid-sized backpacks , hats sunscreen, lighters, sunglasses, cigarettes, small beach towels, fanny packs, digital, film and disposable cameras (“non-pro,” which means it can’t have a removable lens). WHAT YOU CAN'T BRING: Absolutely NO FOOD AND DRINK, Musical Instruments, chains (including chain wallets), blankets, chairs, video cameras, audio recorders, animals. THE ROCK INSIDER'S DON'T BE A FUCKING IDIOT GUIDE TO COACHELLA Yes, you can bring in camera phones and small digital cameras. There are even a few good websites where you can upload pictures directly from your mobile device. But that doesn't give you license to shove your fucking tech device in my field of view when we're 100 yds from Karen O, it's 7 PM and you know the photo won't turn out. Ladies... I know you're trying to "Look like soooooo totally cuute" but seriously a little less of this and a little more of this. Honestly. Dudes, Mesh tank tops don't shield you from the sun. You'll end up looking like a checkerboard. Only two people at Coachella who are allowed to wear leotards. Leave yours at home. Booze and lower back tattoos don't mix well. for any further views on what not to do watch the Coachella Documentary Trailer. I shall post my line-up preview tomorrow but for now the only important thing you need to know is THE MAGIC NUMBERS PLAY ON THE MAIN STAGE AT 3:30 PM SUNDAY APRIL 30th. YOU BETTER BE IN THE CROWD. .....oh and I hear some rapper and really hot lady named Esther are also playing.....Whatever...... COOL ON THE INTER-NERD: Tapes N' Tapes have found a home/label. GvB has the scoop Coachella Scheduler - Set Times are out and Coachella are making it easy to plan your way around the polo fields. LittleRadio just posted up an exclusive interview with JAXMONSTER....I mean I mean....BirdJaxter......Jesus I'm fucking up here. BORDMONSTER?....ahhhh fuck how do you pronounce it again..... TONIGHT IN LOS ANGELES: Scarling, Helen Stellar, Black Black @ Troubadour Koufax, Cordero, Petra Haden & The Sell Outs @ The Echo Ghost Children, Holly Brook, RhoseislandMusic @ Tangier Mecca Normal, Anna Oxygen @ Silverlake Lounge JAX - The Rock Insider